Benevolent Sexism

In my free time, I often read old blog posts to remind myself how much I hated my job in the past, but things have changed now. When you endure the pain of work, often things change. Workers around you change. People move on. Suddenly I am surrounded by better workers and suddenly I enjoy my job. However, just as things can change for the better at work so too things can change for the worse, which is why I live off dividends and minimise obligations. I live as if employment termination is imminent.

Something I have noticed is that there are many powerful women in my organisation and that the line between me and the man in charge of the organisation is mostly filled with women. I may have had an issue with this earlier, but I’ve had a change of heart, and I don’t mind women occupying positions of power in society. I find I don’t mind treating women better than men. I open doors for them and even walk with them through dark alleys to protect them. I wouldn’t call myself a feminist because feminism implies equality. I now believe in benevolent sexism. Of course, when I behave like this around women, I’ve had men tell me that women won’t love me because I am nice to them. These men are typically married and feel as if they can teach me a thing or two because I am single and therefore must be desperate to do whatever I can to attract women. Their great value-add is that women do not love nice guys. They tell me this as if it were such a huge revelation, a secret that only the smartest men know. According to these people, I need to display more dominance if I want to be loved. I need to rough women up and put them in their place. They are begging to be dominated by powerful men. To be honest, it is annoying when people impart this advice on me because clearly they look down upon me as if I am inferior, and the solution to my problem, according to them, is to spend more time trying to conform or do whatever is necessary to impress others. What ever happened to just being yourself?

Nevertheless, I do want a girlfriend. However, I am content being single, and I am prepared to be single forever. I suppose I am selfish because I do want a girlfriend but I don’t want the commitment. I don’t want the obligation. I believe in antiobligationism, i.e. do whatever you can to minimise obligation whether it is financial obligation (e.g. debt), legal obligation (e.g. marriage), or social obligation (e.g. customs, norms, or tradition). The minimisation of obligation and control over the “direction of flow of obligation” is central to freedom and autonomy (see The End of Slavery: Why I Live Off Dividends).

When I had a girlfriend in the past, I complained about how expensive it was to take her out all the time, but it’s been a long time I’ve been single and I find I am losing passion in my life. I don’t look at travel or going out as something enjoyable anymore. If there is no one to go out with or travel with, I feel I am wasting my time. I am saving a lot of money, but now that I have more passive income and therefore more money budgeted for spending, there is little I can do other than make the routine of work more comfortable or luxurious.

I notice that many people at work go to incredible lengths to save money. During lunch they bring their disgusting smelly food to work, and they wash their plates after they’re done eating. They drink instant coffee at work. They wear old clothes. They do whatever it takes at work to slave away and save money, but then outside of work these people splash out and go on consumerist binges. They have multiple children, they go on lavish vacations, and they send their children to private schools. This is the work-life balance that people talk about. People work to live, but work is not living. Work is something to be endured, something to slave away at so that you can live your real life, which is outside work, mostly on the weekends.

However, I don’t have a typical life: I don’t have children, I don’t have a family (or at least, I have a dysfunctional family), I don’t have a partner, and I have few obligations. My spare time mostly consists of work or passive electronic entertainment (Netflix, YouTube, Kindle, etc). When I am not working, I barely spend anything. Netflix is only $14 per month, YouTube is free, and Kindle books cost maybe $15 and I spend many months finishing a whole book. Because I don’t have a “life,” then work is life, and life is work. If I don’t spend money at work, there is a risk I will never spend any money ever, so I allow myself, while I am at work, to indulge in a coffee at a proper cafe, or I eat out at a restaurant during lunch. I like to get out of the office, breath in the fresh air, chat to the barista, and indulge in that warm $5 coffee.

To be honest, I would love to be a “normal” guy i.e. I would love to have a girlfriend so I could have someone to travel with, and I do value female intimacy, but at the same time I am skeptical of marriage and I never want children, so if I do have a girlfriend she needs to have similar values. But I just can’t find such a girl and there is no way I can meet such a girl. I cannot use Tinder because I don’t want people to see me on Tinder. I used Tinder before and found out that there were rumours around the office that I was using it, so I completely shut down the account and vowed never to use it again. My friends and family have tried to arrange relationships for me, but these relationships failed. Finding female intimacy at work is very dangerous, so I am extremely cautious. There is no way I am going to a bar or a nightclub. I do not like these places. Therefore, there is nowhere I can go and nothing I can do. It is as if modern society has conspired to make it impossible to find love. I just need to find happiness in being single.

My Experience with Tinder

Three weeks ago I started using Tinder for the first time. I was impressed with how easy it is to find girls. Given I am an Asian male in my early thirties, Tinder seems to tend to match me with Asian girls in their late twenties or early thirties. Within a few hours, I was matched with about four girls. Like I said, Tinder is easy to use. All you do is use your Facebook account to log in, then you get presented with pictures of girls. You tell the app whether you like the girls by swiping left or right, and then the app matches you to girls who like you, and then you start messaging each other. Make sure your Facebook profile picture looks good because girls will judge you based solely on that.

There is a small privacy issue in that once you are on Tinder, members of the opposite sex who also use Tinder may see you on Tinder, but once you have enough girls you are messaging, you can configure the settings so that no one else can see you. If by chance someone you know can see you, I don’t see how using Tinder is somehow shameful. Just admit it.

I’ll be going to Bali in May, and I will be travelling by myself, so I am hoping I can use Tinder there to find girls in Bali. While in Bali, I plan to stay in my hotel room or go to an internet cafe to work online on my blog, my ebooks, and so forth. However, it would be nice if I can meet up with someone, whether it is a male or a female. One option I considered was staying in a hostel, but the thought of sharing a bathroom with strangers as well as having to sleep in the same room as them–it just doesn’t not sound appealing. I need my own room and my own bathroom!

My date with Kate

Although I had about four to six girls I was messaging on Tinder, I decided to ask a girl named Kate if I could have coffee with her. I like to have coffee with girls because it’s casual and not too serious.

This was the first Tinder date I’ve been to, so I was excited. When I arrived at the cafe, my phone was almost out of battery, and for some reason the Tinder app was buggy. I eventually met Kate. I got her a hot chocolate and got myself an almond flat white.

According to her profile, Kate is 31. She is not the prettiest girl in the world, but she wasn’t bad. She works as a secretary, and she didn’t seem to own a car, which is why she requested that I drive to a cafe near her place. She has also travelled all over Australia, to Europe, and even Asia. She loves scuba diving. After the date she seemed keen to see me again and suggested we watch a movie.

Second date

The next week, Kate and I went on a dinner and movie date. We met in the city and ate at a restaurant there. I told her that I was vegan and so needed to eat a vegan burger while she had chicken fingers. After dinner, we went to the cinemas to watch a movie.

When we separated, I wanted to give her a farewell hug, but she didn’t seem keen on it and seemed to run off, which I thought was suspicious.

Kate seemed like a nice girl. She wasn’t the sort of girl who spent too much. She had lots of discount vouchers on her. In fact, she seemed obsessive about discounts. While we ate, the overall price of the meal for two was about $60, but she had a voucher and was able to bring the price down to $30, which I paid for. She paid for movies, which was $20 (with a voucher). Given that I ate out and watched a movie with a girl for $30, I’d consider that good value.

During the date, Kate asked me all the usual questions girls ask guys in order to gauge whether they are marriage material, e.g. whether I plan to buy a house, whether I plan to apply for other jobs, and so forth.

Third date?

I was keen on moving the relationship with Kate beyond friendship. I suppose I wanted to see how far I could push it. However, after the second date, she messaged me on Tinder and told me that it was over, saying that we don’t have anything in common and we were not compatible. Of course, I may have been at fault because I tried hard to be myself and not conform, and I am a very weird person, or at least I am very different to most people.

Perhaps she didn’t like me because I was vegan. There are many other reasons why she may not have liked me. I remember she asked me if I owned a house, and I told her I preferred to invest in shares and ETFs rather than real estate. She asked me where I lived and what I did on the weekends. I told her that I live with my parents and that I don’t spend much time on weekends socializing with friends. Instead, I prefer to spend my weekends researching the markets and looking for ways to make money online. I talk about these topics with male friends sometimes, and they warn me not to speak my mind when I speak to women during dates.

I could get more friends, become a meat eater, act more manly, and move out of the family home, but I don’t feel like I’d be true to myself if I did all these things. I’d feel like a conformist. Of course, being a nonconformist will necessarily mean that most women by definition will not like you, so that’s just what I need to accept.

I will admit that I am a bit bummed, but it’s no big deal. We just had two dates. She offered to be just friends, but I declined the offer. On Tinder you can unmatch yourself with a girl and she will disappear from the app. I can find another girl on Tinder to be friends with. In fact, that is what I plan to use Tinder for from now on. I will just be friends with girls and not take it any further. Women are notorious for friendzoning men, but I don’t see what the issue with friendzoning women is. I value companionship, and like all men I do have sexual desires, but I believe that you necessarily need one supplier to meet your demands for both companionship and sex. If you want to get heart surgery, you go to a cardiology. If you want to get your car fixed, you go to a car mechanic. Rarely do you see someone who is both a heart surgeon and a car mechanic. For the same reasons, it is inefficient to expect that a wife or girlfriend can provide you with companionship, entertainment, sex, cleaning, and cooking all in one at a good price. The business model of marriage or long-term relationship is about exploiting men’s base desires (hyperbolic discounting) and then using vendor lock-in to extract wealth.

I have learned that if you want more intimacy with a girl, you must pay for it. Women are always looking for opportunities to monetize their erotic capital. Either they will ask for cash directly or they will look for clues of wealth and power and then attempt to extract a portion of that wealth using marriage. Too many men learn this reality through experience and then demand that women have sex with them in return for nothing, which is never going to happen. In order to get along with women, you must make sure that they are adequately compensated. You must accept the fact that they are simply trying to monetize their erotic capital in the same way most people try to make money when they discover they have a talent in, say, programming or accounting. If an employer must pay for the skills or a programmer or an accountant, a husband or boyfriend must pay for for the physical attractiveness of his wife or girlfriend.