The holidays have been nice. It’s alway nice to take time off work and recharge. People often ask me if I’m travelling anywhere. This time around I am not going anywhere. I haven’t been doing much other than lounging around, relaxing, and visiting family.
During new year’s eve, at about six in the evening, I went to my dad’s house for a new year’s party. It was nice being there. I had a good chat to some of the people, but after a few hours, there was too much beer going around and people became too loud. My dad was drunk and stumbling everywhere. This has happened before during previous parties. Whenever my dad gets drunk in front of many people, it’s difficult to describe how I feel. I feel deeply ashamed and embarrassed. I just cannot believe that, when I was young, I looked up to this man. He was my father. I respected him, and it turns out he is a drunkard and a clown. He is not the sort of man I can be proud of. It just makes me so sad. Many people at this party were drinking and shouting, but I wasn’t in the mood to join in, so I left at ten, which is fairly early.
I’m trying to be true to myself more. In my twenties, I was very concerned about not offending others. I wanted to fit in. I was the nice guy. Now that I am in my thirties, I have made it a priority to try to be true to myself, to feel how I feel, to do what I want, even if it goes against the norm, even if other people in the room all think I’m a weirdo. As everyone was drunk and stupid, I simply sat there, and I even excused myself so I could sit in the lounge room by myself. When my dad walked by, I told him I was leaving.
I deliberately parked my car outside on the curb to ensure that no other car could block me. A very important lesson I have learned in life is that you must always have an easy exit plan, a way to get out of any situation if you need to. As I have always said, even more important than a plan is an exit plan.
When I had lunch with my dad today, he told me that he believes that animals should not be kept in zoos. He is against horse racing and is against trophy hunting. Yet he eats meat. I didn’t raise this with him. Maybe I should have. He constantly rails against injustice. He complains about how the rich are corrupting politicians and how politicians do not work for the people. Basically he complains about how powerful beings exploit weaker ones, but then he eats meat and therefore exploits beings weaker than himself.
When I think about this, it makes me depressed about mankind because of course they will just do what’s easy for them, and many people love eating juicy succulent meat, so they will continue to do it, and complaining is easy, so they will do that as well. Any problem in life that reflects poorly on them can be explained away by blaming the rich and powerful.
I suppose I have always been skeptical of my father. Especially after he divorced from my mother after it was discovered that he was cheating on her, I started to lose faith in him. He is, after all, just human. I still visit him every now and then, but I am careful now because I don’t trust him. He cheated on my mother and hid it for over a decade. Now he eats meat and doesn’t give a damn about animals, so if he is so deceptive and callous towards other beings, why wouldn’t he treat me the same way? Maybe he tries to meet up with me every day to keep me close so he can exploit me or use me in some way. I just don’t know.
I’m not comfortable with just cutting my dad out of my life or calling him out on his sins. He is my father, and I do believe I should at least treat him well. He and my mother did put in a reasonable amount of effort to raise me, so I am torn. I just feel like I’ve seen too much of him that disgusts me, and it gets me down, so I need to spend more time with other people, and preferably I should spend time with more of my vegan friends. I need to connect with people who share my values. This will truly give me happiness. When you try to connect with people who absolutely do not share your values, this only creates discord. I’ve tried to explain veganism to my dad many times, but he just doesn’t get it, so there’s no point. He is just a bad person. It’s tough coming to that realization that your own father is a bad person. It’s really tough. That’s just the way the world is. I won’t cut him out of my life, but I’ll definitely try to spend less time with him.