Benevolent Sexism

In my free time, I often read old blog posts to remind myself how much I hated my job in the past, but things have changed now. When you endure the pain of work, often things change. Workers around you change. People move on. Suddenly I am surrounded by better workers and suddenly I enjoy my job. However, just as things can change for the better at work so too things can change for the worse, which is why I live off dividends and minimise obligations. I live as if employment termination is imminent.

Something I have noticed is that there are many powerful women in my organisation and that the line between me and the man in charge of the organisation is mostly filled with women. I may have had an issue with this earlier, but I’ve had a change of heart, and I don’t mind women occupying positions of power in society. I find I don’t mind treating women better than men. I open doors for them and even walk with them through dark alleys to protect them. I wouldn’t call myself a feminist because feminism implies equality. I now believe in benevolent sexism. Of course, when I behave like this around women, I’ve had men tell me that women won’t love me because I am nice to them. These men are typically married and feel as if they can teach me a thing or two because I am single and therefore must be desperate to do whatever I can to attract women. Their great value-add is that women do not love nice guys. They tell me this as if it were such a huge revelation, a secret that only the smartest men know. According to these people, I need to display more dominance if I want to be loved. I need to rough women up and put them in their place. They are begging to be dominated by powerful men. To be honest, it is annoying when people impart this advice on me because clearly they look down upon me as if I am inferior, and the solution to my problem, according to them, is to spend more time trying to conform or do whatever is necessary to impress others. What ever happened to just being yourself?

Nevertheless, I do want a girlfriend. However, I am content being single, and I am prepared to be single forever. I suppose I am selfish because I do want a girlfriend but I don’t want the commitment. I don’t want the obligation. I believe in antiobligationism, i.e. do whatever you can to minimise obligation whether it is financial obligation (e.g. debt), legal obligation (e.g. marriage), or social obligation (e.g. customs, norms, or tradition). The minimisation of obligation and control over the “direction of flow of obligation” is central to freedom and autonomy (see The End of Slavery: Why I Live Off Dividends).

When I had a girlfriend in the past, I complained about how expensive it was to take her out all the time, but it’s been a long time I’ve been single and I find I am losing passion in my life. I don’t look at travel or going out as something enjoyable anymore. If there is no one to go out with or travel with, I feel I am wasting my time. I am saving a lot of money, but now that I have more passive income and therefore more money budgeted for spending, there is little I can do other than make the routine of work more comfortable or luxurious.

I notice that many people at work go to incredible lengths to save money. During lunch they bring their disgusting smelly food to work, and they wash their plates after they’re done eating. They drink instant coffee at work. They wear old clothes. They do whatever it takes at work to slave away and save money, but then outside of work these people splash out and go on consumerist binges. They have multiple children, they go on lavish vacations, and they send their children to private schools. This is the work-life balance that people talk about. People work to live, but work is not living. Work is something to be endured, something to slave away at so that you can live your real life, which is outside work, mostly on the weekends.

However, I don’t have a typical life: I don’t have children, I don’t have a family (or at least, I have a dysfunctional family), I don’t have a partner, and I have few obligations. My spare time mostly consists of work or passive electronic entertainment (Netflix, YouTube, Kindle, etc). When I am not working, I barely spend anything. Netflix is only $14 per month, YouTube is free, and Kindle books cost maybe $15 and I spend many months finishing a whole book. Because I don’t have a “life,” then work is life, and life is work. If I don’t spend money at work, there is a risk I will never spend any money ever, so I allow myself, while I am at work, to indulge in a coffee at a proper cafe, or I eat out at a restaurant during lunch. I like to get out of the office, breath in the fresh air, chat to the barista, and indulge in that warm $5 coffee.

To be honest, I would love to be a “normal” guy i.e. I would love to have a girlfriend so I could have someone to travel with, and I do value female intimacy, but at the same time I am skeptical of marriage and I never want children, so if I do have a girlfriend she needs to have similar values. But I just can’t find such a girl and there is no way I can meet such a girl. I cannot use Tinder because I don’t want people to see me on Tinder. I used Tinder before and found out that there were rumours around the office that I was using it, so I completely shut down the account and vowed never to use it again. My friends and family have tried to arrange relationships for me, but these relationships failed. Finding female intimacy at work is very dangerous, so I am extremely cautious. There is no way I am going to a bar or a nightclub. I do not like these places. Therefore, there is nowhere I can go and nothing I can do. It is as if modern society has conspired to make it impossible to find love. I just need to find happiness in being single.

Advice for Women: Never Get Married #WhiteRibbonDay

Yesterday was White Ribbon Day. A girl was walking around selling white ribbons that are meant to raise awareness about domestic violence against women. My manager and I both bought these ribbons and wore them. Many other people around work wore these ribbons as well.

I felt a bit weird wearing these ribbons because I really felt like I was showing off to others. The ribbons did raise awareness because I read a few articles online about violence against women, and supposedly “financial abuse” is a real thing that occurs.

According to the media, because women are encouraged to have children, they get pregnant and end up with the responsibility of looking after the children. They then leave the workforce and then become financially dependent on the husband who then has economic power over her. This makes her less likely to want to leave him and may mean that she accepts abuse because she needs him to pay for necessities like food and shelter.

When I thought about this more, I realized that women really need to stop looking to men. I agree that men should not be violent towards women, but women need to be careful as well. Women are partially to blame and need to take responsibility for their lives. In fact, I would even go as far as saying that women should not marry and should not have children. If a woman has a child, she has to get out of work and look after it. That is not good. She will lose money and be reliant on the man. Women love to think that men are caring beings who will save them, but this is a Hollywood fantasy. How can she be sure if the man she marries will always have this attitude? Humans are not robots. Humans are emotional, and emotions change over time.

My mother made the same mistake. She thought my dad was a caring and honest man. Turns out he was cheating on her in secret. He had a separate family with another woman and kept this secret. Sure it was the man who is at fault, but it doesn’t matter who is at fault.

It’s similar to crossing the road. Even if the traffic lights tell you that you should cross the road, you should always look left and right. If you cross the road without looking left and right expecting cars and trucks to follow the laws, you may be disappointed. Even if you cross the road legally, it makes no difference if a truck runs you over. It doesn’t matter if you’re right if you end up dead.

Likewise, even if it is discovered that the man is cheating with another woman, and it turns out that the man is ethically wrong, at the end of the day, he will be happily living with his new family and younger wife while the older wife is alone and likely broke due because she is out of the workforce because of pregnancy and responsibilities to look after children. She is also unable to remarry because she is old, and being old does not help with job hunting either. Even if she is ethically right, it makes no difference. 

Women are lucky in that when they are young they are physically attractive, so they can use this to make money whereas men simply cannot do this. I have heard of many young girls making a lot of money online selling sexual services using their webcams. There are also plenty of jobs out there for women that do not include sex work. Many people are very willing to hire young girls simply because they look good, and young girls in customer service roles are more likely to boost business because customers like to deal with beautiful women. Women then have it easy when they are young and pretty, but they should not waste their time and blow their good looks on marriage because marriage doesn’t really provide anything. If they marry a rich man, they might get ahead, but it’s risky because a rich man is like to have a very strong prenup, and rich men will almost certainly cheat. In fact, even if women marry, they will get old, and when they get old, there is a good chance that any man will cheat on her or try to divorce her because old age makes women unattractive. This is not nice, I am aware, but it has to be said. This is the reason why marriage exists, in my opinion. Women know that when they get old they will become unattractive, so marriage exists in order to bind the man to the woman so that he will not stray and seek a younger female. 

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Women should focus on their careers and focus on saving up money for themselves because money in investments will look after her better than any man would. Money will feed and clothe her. Investments will never abuse or rape her. Investments like shares and ETFs will pay her dividends. Men may pay their women an allowance, but they may abuse their women as well.

I’ve got some female friends and they are always telling me about the fights they get into with their boyfriends. I just tell them not to bother with relationships, but they never listen. If they break up or have a fight with a boyfriend, they’re usually back with him or they get another guy within days, and many women say they need men because men provide security.

Girls need to focus on being financially independent rather than look for a man to provide for them because men are not reliable investments. Girls need to invest for themselves. Shares will pay dividends silently and reliably, and shares in good companies will grow these dividends over time. With men, you never know what will happen. Men react differently to how pretty girls are. If women are young and pretty, the man will splash cash on them, but when she is not, he will close up his wallet. He might cheat, he might divorce, or he might be abusive. All in all, for a woman (and even for a man), marriage fails the cost-benefit analysis and risk-benefit analysis. It’s a bad investment. Women need to go their own way.

Dealing with Dissatisfaction in Life

I’ve been having boring days at work. I go to work and I don’t really have any motivation to work. I just do the minimum. If something is due soon, I do it. Otherwise, I literally just daydream. I could look out the window or stare at the wall for hours. I have a to-do list that I follow. I just work my way through the list doing one item at a time, almost like a machine.

My manager left in the afternoon because his family had an appointment with the dentist, so I took the opportunity to go the gym (there is a gym at work). While at the gym, I noticed something interesting. If I imagined that there was a beautiful girl watching me, I worked harder. My lifts at the gym became stronger. I started to use this technique and noticed that my workout improved quite a bit, and after the workout I felt really energized. I also employed this technique at work. While working I imagined there was a beautiful blonde girl watching me from behind. I am not sure if it helped me become more productive because I still felt unproductive, but maybe I was more productive than normal. 

I do admit that I am feeling empty. Life is getting boring, and I can just feel myself getting into that trap of trying to spend money to feel happy. Luckily I am quite disciplined. My total expenses equals my income from dividends. I am quite a disciplined person. I eat a healthy plant-based diet, I go the gym fairly regularly, and I invest all the money I earn from work. If these are not the mark of a disciplined man, I don’t know what is.

Nevertheless, I still feel dissatisfied, and I keep wondering what I can do to cheer myself up. There are times when I go on Tinder and start swiping, but then I think more carefully about what I’m doing. I think about all the negative experiences with dating I’ve had in the past, so I simply uninstall the app. I’ve done this about three times recently. Because I watch Netflix, I’ve been watching many Hollywood movies, and of course Hollywood movies almost always promote romantic love, so those urges to be intimate with a woman come back to me, but I know better than to give in to these urges. I feel a need to always be resisting temptation and to always be disciplined. I certainly give into female intimacy sometimes but I always correct myself and get myself back in line. I give into temptation often, but where I differ from other people is that I don’t give in completely.

The “Real Man” Trap

I was speaking to a woman the other day. She was asking me why I wasn’t married. I told her I didn’t want to marry because I didn’t see the point of it. How was it going to benefit me?

She then spoke about how “real men dominate women and marry them.” This is something I hear many women say. Make no mistake, most women I meet are not feminists. Most women (or perhaps all) want a dominant strong and wealthy man who will protect them and shower them with cash. I don’t blame them. Why not? Who wouldn’t want to have a bodyguard and millions of dollars to spend as you please?

I then challenged this woman on her assertion. She was suggesting that I wasn’t a real man, but anatomically I have the Y chromosome. I am a man. I could get a doctor to certify it. She then spoke about how I didn’t act like a man. I asked her who decides what constituted masculine behaviour.

Anyway, long story cut short, I learned an important lessons, which is that when people say that a “real man” does this or that, they are simply trying to push their values on you. This woman clearly values marriage, and she tried to push marriage on me by telling me that I am not a real man unless I get married.

When someone says “be a man” then they are not really telling you to be a man because anatomically you already are. What they really mean is “do what I say” or “be my slave.”

This is the “real man” trap, and it seems to be used often because men are very insecure about not being manly enough, so anyone who is trying to push an agenda on you or is trying to sell something will likely appeal to these insecurities.

The next time someone tells you to be a man, you must resist. Tell them that you don’t simply conform to other people’s definitions of what masculinity is. You do what you want to do.

It is important that you don’t try to act masculine just to please women, other men, or society. Just be you.

Commitment Phobe by Choice

It makes my blood boil when I read Generation who refuse to grow up: No mortgage. No marriage. No children at the Guardian, mainly because it reminds me of the many people over the years who have suggested to me that now that I have turned thirty (or when I was in my late twenties) that I must be a responsible adult and buy a house, get married, and have children.

There is so much negativity about commitment phobia on men that you’d think there was a concerted advertising campaign being funded by the real estate, wedding planning, and children’s lifestyle industries in order to encourage us to spend more.

Buying a house, getting married, and having children are very personal matters, so I don’t want to criticize others if they decide to walk down these paths, but what I hate is the assumption almost everyone has that by a certain age I must do this or that. People give you all sorts of rules that are clearly just made up: you must date a girl for this long before you are officially in a “relationship,” then you must be in a relationship for x years before you buy her a ring. You must then save up y years worth of salary to buy the ring, and then you must marry her, and then you must buy a house, etc, etc. And if you don’t follow this formula like a slave, many people have the balls to tell you that you are not “man enough.” They tell you to “man up” and start taking responsibility.

Seriously? If I were a conformist beta male who followed what other people say I should do and get married, buy a house, then that makes me a true man? And if I defied society and did what I wanted to do instead, that would make me less of a man?

The term “commitment phobe” is used a lot. There is even an article on Psychology Today titled Understanding and Dealing with Commitment-phobia that talks about reluctance to commit as if it were a mental disease. I absolutely hate it when people talk about reluctance to commit in relationships as if it were scientifically proven to be some mental impairment when if fact it is not a scientific or medical defect.

My Experience with Tinder

Three weeks ago I started using Tinder for the first time. I was impressed with how easy it is to find girls. Given I am an Asian male in my early thirties, Tinder seems to tend to match me with Asian girls in their late twenties or early thirties. Within a few hours, I was matched with about four girls. Like I said, Tinder is easy to use. All you do is use your Facebook account to log in, then you get presented with pictures of girls. You tell the app whether you like the girls by swiping left or right, and then the app matches you to girls who like you, and then you start messaging each other. Make sure your Facebook profile picture looks good because girls will judge you based solely on that.

There is a small privacy issue in that once you are on Tinder, members of the opposite sex who also use Tinder may see you on Tinder, but once you have enough girls you are messaging, you can configure the settings so that no one else can see you. If by chance someone you know can see you, I don’t see how using Tinder is somehow shameful. Just admit it.

I’ll be going to Bali in May, and I will be travelling by myself, so I am hoping I can use Tinder there to find girls in Bali. While in Bali, I plan to stay in my hotel room or go to an internet cafe to work online on my blog, my ebooks, and so forth. However, it would be nice if I can meet up with someone, whether it is a male or a female. One option I considered was staying in a hostel, but the thought of sharing a bathroom with strangers as well as having to sleep in the same room as them–it just doesn’t not sound appealing. I need my own room and my own bathroom!

My date with Kate

Although I had about four to six girls I was messaging on Tinder, I decided to ask a girl named Kate if I could have coffee with her. I like to have coffee with girls because it’s casual and not too serious.

This was the first Tinder date I’ve been to, so I was excited. When I arrived at the cafe, my phone was almost out of battery, and for some reason the Tinder app was buggy. I eventually met Kate. I got her a hot chocolate and got myself an almond flat white.

According to her profile, Kate is 31. She is not the prettiest girl in the world, but she wasn’t bad. She works as a secretary, and she didn’t seem to own a car, which is why she requested that I drive to a cafe near her place. She has also travelled all over Australia, to Europe, and even Asia. She loves scuba diving. After the date she seemed keen to see me again and suggested we watch a movie.

Second date

The next week, Kate and I went on a dinner and movie date. We met in the city and ate at a restaurant there. I told her that I was vegan and so needed to eat a vegan burger while she had chicken fingers. After dinner, we went to the cinemas to watch a movie.

When we separated, I wanted to give her a farewell hug, but she didn’t seem keen on it and seemed to run off, which I thought was suspicious.

Kate seemed like a nice girl. She wasn’t the sort of girl who spent too much. She had lots of discount vouchers on her. In fact, she seemed obsessive about discounts. While we ate, the overall price of the meal for two was about $60, but she had a voucher and was able to bring the price down to $30, which I paid for. She paid for movies, which was $20 (with a voucher). Given that I ate out and watched a movie with a girl for $30, I’d consider that good value.

During the date, Kate asked me all the usual questions girls ask guys in order to gauge whether they are marriage material, e.g. whether I plan to buy a house, whether I plan to apply for other jobs, and so forth.

Third date?

I was keen on moving the relationship with Kate beyond friendship. I suppose I wanted to see how far I could push it. However, after the second date, she messaged me on Tinder and told me that it was over, saying that we don’t have anything in common and we were not compatible. Of course, I may have been at fault because I tried hard to be myself and not conform, and I am a very weird person, or at least I am very different to most people.

Perhaps she didn’t like me because I was vegan. There are many other reasons why she may not have liked me. I remember she asked me if I owned a house, and I told her I preferred to invest in shares and ETFs rather than real estate. She asked me where I lived and what I did on the weekends. I told her that I live with my parents and that I don’t spend much time on weekends socializing with friends. Instead, I prefer to spend my weekends researching the markets and looking for ways to make money online. I talk about these topics with male friends sometimes, and they warn me not to speak my mind when I speak to women during dates.

I could get more friends, become a meat eater, act more manly, and move out of the family home, but I don’t feel like I’d be true to myself if I did all these things. I’d feel like a conformist. Of course, being a nonconformist will necessarily mean that most women by definition will not like you, so that’s just what I need to accept.

I will admit that I am a bit bummed, but it’s no big deal. We just had two dates. She offered to be just friends, but I declined the offer. On Tinder you can unmatch yourself with a girl and she will disappear from the app. I can find another girl on Tinder to be friends with. In fact, that is what I plan to use Tinder for from now on. I will just be friends with girls and not take it any further. Women are notorious for friendzoning men, but I don’t see what the issue with friendzoning women is. I value companionship, and like all men I do have sexual desires, but I believe that you necessarily need one supplier to meet your demands for both companionship and sex. If you want to get heart surgery, you go to a cardiology. If you want to get your car fixed, you go to a car mechanic. Rarely do you see someone who is both a heart surgeon and a car mechanic. For the same reasons, it is inefficient to expect that a wife or girlfriend can provide you with companionship, entertainment, sex, cleaning, and cooking all in one at a good price. The business model of marriage or long-term relationship is about exploiting men’s base desires (hyperbolic discounting) and then using vendor lock-in to extract wealth.

I have learned that if you want more intimacy with a girl, you must pay for it. Women are always looking for opportunities to monetize their erotic capital. Either they will ask for cash directly or they will look for clues of wealth and power and then attempt to extract a portion of that wealth using marriage. Too many men learn this reality through experience and then demand that women have sex with them in return for nothing, which is never going to happen. In order to get along with women, you must make sure that they are adequately compensated. You must accept the fact that they are simply trying to monetize their erotic capital in the same way most people try to make money when they discover they have a talent in, say, programming or accounting. If an employer must pay for the skills or a programmer or an accountant, a husband or boyfriend must pay for for the physical attractiveness of his wife or girlfriend.