Working with a Stern Manager

My manager is inundated with work. There are times when he curses or swears at his computer. The stress must be getting to him. I am concerned because there are times when I try to talk to him but he tells me plainly that he is too busy and that I should come back later to talk to him. I apologise and get back to my desk.

Work is still dreary and boring. My manager is quite a stern man. I am, however, very loyal to him because he hired me, promoted me, and has made significant attempts to try to develop my skills. His sternness is just his personality. He is not the sort of person who naturally smiles a lot. He is just like me, so I understand him well.

It’s difficult working with a stern manager. There are other colleagues at work who have managers who are fun and easy-going, and I envy them. Throughout my career, I’ve work under many different managers, and I am used to working with all sorts of different personalities, so I’m not too fussed. I’ve worked under some very difficult managers before.

There are times when I hate my job immensely. There is just a dead and dreary feeling I get at work, like I wish I was somewhere else. I sometimes imagine I’m on a tropical island, lying on a deckchair with a laptop. I am working online. I am drinking cool and refreshing coconut juice while working under the sun. I can hear the waves of the beach nearby.

This is a dream, but working through a cold winter makes me dream of becoming a location independent entrepreneur (also known as a digital nomad). There is a lot of stuff on the internet about digital nomadism. Believe me, for a 9-to-5er who is sick of his job, digital nomadism is career porn.

So why don’t I quit? I’m sure I don’t get paid as much as doctors or investment bankers, but for what I do, I get paid quite a fair amount. If I move to another job, I feel I will either work much harder (and be stressed out) or get paid less. I therefore have it good, but the work is not really rewarding and I feel depressed often. The people I work with are also annoying. I suppose it’s not really my job that I hate. I just hate working.

I have also travelled to developing countries, and when I see poverty up close and in person, I really feel blessed because no matter how bad I feel, when I think about it I have it quite good. When I compare myself to people in developing countries, I am happy with myself, but of course when I compare myself to some of my colleagues, things don’t look so good. Some of my colleagues have done so much better than me, and maybe I feel a bit of envy, shame, or anxiety. The stigma is there. I try not to make deep friendships at work for this reason. I feel like I want to hide myself, to distance myself from everyone so that at the end of the day I just do the work I’m told to do and that is that. I am like a machine who goes to work to just do what I need to do as dispassionately as possible, and if there is any emotional void then I can look for ways to fill it outside of work.

Dragging Myself to Work on a Cold Day

It was hard for me to wake up today because it was so cold. I wanted to press the snooze button over and over again.

Work is a bit relaxing because my manager is on holiday, but there is still work to do because I am managed by a senior officer. Whenever I am at work, I always feel like other people look down upon me for not being promoted fast enough. People within my team don’t ever talk about this, but people outside my team always talk about it. I find that strange. There is one guy at work who told me that I needed to get out of my team and go elsewhere because I was not being paid enough where I was. He has been in the organisation for the same amount of time I have been and is on the same level as me. I don’t know why he is such a snob to me.

Anyway, I must say I’m used to status anxiety at work, but it’s something that always bothers me. I am only human.

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I bumped into a girl I once had a crush on at the train station. We chatted for a bit, but she had to get back to her work. She doesn’t work with me. When I got back to work, I messaged her and tried to chat with her, but it didn’t really go anywhere. I could kind of tell she wasn’t into me, so I stopped chatting. I sort of did the same thing to another girl I remembered. We used to hang out often but haven’t seen each other in months. I emailed her. We exchanged more emails. She told me she got braces. I told her we should catch up, but she told me she was busy that we had to catch up another time. I wasn’t sure if she was trying to push me away.

I don’t know. I suppose now that I’m single again and I’m back in my old boring routine, that familiar hunger for female attention is back. The previous girl I dated told me, after we broke up, that I was unstable, that I don’t know what I wanted. Maybe she’s right. I hunger for female intimacy, but when I get it I suddenly fear commitment. Is it possible to have female intimacy without the commitment?

After work today I went to the gym. I did my standard workout but at the end I went on the chest press machine and lifted 100kg until my arms were hurting. Afterwards I had a protein shake.

On the train ride home, I continued reading an ebook called 12 Weeks in Thailand. I enjoyed the sample first chapter so much that I purchased the book outright on Amazon and began reading on the train. The book is about a wage slave earning a salary in America who decides to quit and live in Thailand. In Thailand he becomes a scuba instructor, a Muay Thai fighter, and an online entrepreneur. He enjoys a brilliant lifestyle in Thailand (living in luxury) for a low cost.

Escape!

This is just the dream scenario for me. I hate my job. I hate being a wage slave. I hate being confined in a building with people I hate. I want to be free to do my own thing. I want to be free to travel. I want to escape. When a group of friends get stale, I want the freedom to just fly out and start again from the ground up somewhere else. I know I will need to slave away a little longer at my current job so I can save up enough, but I am almost there.