I’m feeling bummed. I’ve been dating a girl for a month or so and she has called it off. It was painful for me because I thought everything was going fine. I guess I’m just not good at reading into how well a relationship is going. These things happen. Lately I’ve been spending a lot of time by myself, usually in my car where I would listen to various podcasts and think about my life. I do admit that every now and then I do visit prostitutes in brothels, and I pay $120 for half an hour. But after you have sex with many girls, you start to realise how empty it feels. I suppose it’s like eating. When you’re hungry, you need to eat, but once you feast on the same thing all the time, you get sick of it. And this I suppose is the distinction between sex and love. Love is the yearning you still have after you’ve had sex with so many women and still feel dissatisfied.
Something I’ve noticed about this blog is that it has lately turned very negative. I talk about myself a lot and speak as if I am seeking pity from others. This whole habit of self-pity or seeking pity from others is downright dangerous. It is beta male behaviour that I need to stop right now. I originally set up this blog in order to track my progress in becoming more of an alpha male and to help other beta males out there become alpha males. Being a beta male is a disease.
I don’t want to fall into the trap of putting a ring on the first girl who shows me even a little bit of intimacy. It’s common, I hear, for a man to be so desperate to have a woman in his life that he marries any girl he can get his hands on only to realize years down the road that she is not suitable for him, and she divorces him and takes half his assets.
I feel like a mouse desperately hungry for cheese who, while searching for that delicious cheese, finds a fellow mouse chopped in half by the claws of a mouse trap. The dead mouse smells of rotting cheese.
Don’t let desperation lead to disaster.
Wealth, wellness, and women — three things all men want. We want money, we want to be healthy, and we wants girls. I can’t seem to get a girl, so perhaps I should focus on the other two.
Today is Sunday. Last night I stayed up until three in the morning. I woke up today at nine, which means I got six hours of sleep, which is not good. It would explain why I feel so horrible today. I don’t want to sleep in because I know I’ll have trouble waking up early tomorrow for work. I know poor sleep increases cortisol and destroys muscle. I had a lunch catch up with a friend booked in today, but I didn’t feel like going, so I texted him and told him I was busy. I didn’t get into the detail. He seemed cool with it.
It’s all hitting me, I suppose–my girlfriend ignoring me, my career completely stagnating, my lack of sleep, my lack of good friends. I’ve recently been mulling over in my head a new income goal. I currently earn $80k a year in income. About $5k of that is from investments (conservative estimate) and $75k is from my salary. I aim to increase gross income from all sources by $5k per year. This means next year I should be earning $85k and the year after that I’ll be earning $90k and so forth. I can increase my income by getting promotions or progression at work, but if that fails (and it probably will) I can save up more and rely on investment income. I am also going to get serious about starting a side business on the internet so I can earn money online. I need some goal to keep me motivated otherwise I will start to get lazy and depressed.
I’ve heard rumours at work that senior management will fire a few people in the next few weeks. Supposedly they have a few people they want to target. I can only hope I don’t get fired, but even if I do get fired, it’s not like I love my job or anything. I’m not fully certain what I’ll do if I get fired, whether I’ll hunt for another similar job, start over and do something completely different, or fly over to Asia and retire. There are always options, I suppose, so I don’t have too much fear, and I do have savings. I’ve always been paranoid about the future. I avoided marriage, mortgage, and children for this reason alone. This is the thing about the future: it is always uncertain and scary. You want to give yourself the best opportunity as possible to tackle the future. That means you need good health, no debt, and no massive obligations or commitments.