Be More Assertive by Talking About Your Feelings

One of they key aspects of becoming an alpha male is to be more assertive, which means I need to express my interests. When I was a beta male, people used to ask me to come along to something I wasn’t interested in going to, e.g. they asked me to come to their house for dinner or go to a party. Rather than just say no and tell them that I didn’t want to, I usually just went along. Becoming an alpha male, in my opinion, means I need to do what I want to do and not do what I don’t want to do, and that normally starts with expressing my desires.

The first step in expressing myself, in my opinion, is to be clear about your position from the outset, which means saying “yes” or “no.” That should be sufficient. Usually when you say no to someone, they ask why. They ask you for a rationale. A response I should give is that I don’t need to give a rationale. I think it is best to hold out and not give a reason for why you want to do something. If pressured, just say, “I don’t feel like going” or something similar.

Expressing your “feelings” may sound feminine, but I have learned that this is the clearest and best way to express yourself. Humans do what they feel like doing and don’t do what they don’t feel like doing. It is simple and basic. If you are accused on being selfish, you can accuse back and tell them that they are selfish. Everyone is selfish to some degree. Everyone acts based on what they predict will give pleasure and don’t act on what they predict will not give pleasure. Predictions are made based on past experiences.

I find a good technique is to simply give a concrete story of something that has happened in the past and then describe how you felt based on those experiences.

If someone asks you to come to a party, you say, “No! I’m not going. I hate parties.” This very clearly gives your position very quickly. If you are asked why you hate parties, then you start the story based on concrete examples with a description of how you felt. You can say, “I’ve been to some parties before and they were boring. All I did was walk around and talk about useless things to people. The music was too loud, so it was difficult to understand what people were saying. It was so boring and I felt like it was pointless.”

I’ve used this technique when I have expressed to people that I do not want to have children. I’ve told ex-girlfriends this as well. I tell all my friends, even the couples who plan to have children. I tell them I hate children. They ask me why and I simply tell them my experiences with children. I tell them my experiences with relatives who are children, how these children are chaotic and annoying. They always demand things. I am someone who likes peace and harmony. I like order, not chaos. Often when I am in a mall, I see children throwing tantrums and going crazy, and the parents are almost in tears.

The great thing about true stories and your feeling in response to the events in the stories is that you cannot be wrong. No one can say, “Your views on children are wrong!” because you haven’t really given a view. You have just given a true story and your feelings in response to that story. No one can deny that your story is false. More importantly, no one can deny that you didn’t feel what you claim you felt. No one can say, “That negative feeling you got when you were around misbehaving children! That is wrong!” They cannot say this because that is what happened. That is fact. Your feeling are your feelings. Your feelings are biochemistry. Other people cannot understand your biochemistry. Even you cannot understand your own biochemistry. But only you know how you feel in response to something, and it is either a good feeling or a bad feeling based on whatever chemical is secreted: cortisol, adrenalin, dopamine, oxytocin, endorphins, seratonin, and others. Your body, your physical makeup, and the chemical in your body are out of your hands. It’s what you’re born with.

When you talk about your feelings, you don’t have to give negative feelings. You can give positive feelings (or the absence of positive feelings). For example, when I gave my views on children, my friends told me that they find children very rewarding, to which I told them that although they may feel that, I certainly did not have any positive feelings from being around children. Other people also told me that these misbehaving children have simply not been raised correctly. Their message was basically: this happens to other people’s children but it won’t happen to my children. I was told that if the children are raised correctly, with proper discipline, I won’t need to worry about misbehaving children. Rather than talking about my negative feelings to misbehaving children, I simply switch to my absence of any positive feeling around children. My argument was pretty much that even if I can get the children to behave well so that they annoy me less, the fact that I get no happiness or positive feeling from them means that there is no point in me having children. If you were asked to buy a pink elephant, would you buy it? Probably not because (unless you’re a circus owner) a pink elephant is pointless. Furthermore, you have to buy it off someone and then you have to feed it. Suppose the seller tells you that there is a huge discount of 90 percent off this pink elephant and that the costs of maintaining the elephant has also been discounted. So what? You don’t need a pink elephant, so why buy it, even if it is on discount. Same with children. If I don’t need them and don’t get any happiness from them, why should I bother if the pain is reduced somewhat with excellent discipline thereby resulting in a reduction in the pain of having children? This is simply a cost-benefit argument but used to describe positive versus negative feelings.

To summarise, when asserting yourself, make sure you say “yes” or “no” straight away and then say something quickly to make it completely clear what your views are on the matter. It should be left at that but if you feel you need to rationalise yourself, it is best to give a true concrete story and to describe your feelings in response to what happened in the story. You can talk about your positive feelings and negative feelings. To borrow from business school, you can talk about costs and benefits and even how you feel about risk.

It is incredibly important to get your feelings and views out there so that everyone knows where you stand. This is important because then, as you go on in your life interacting with the people you interact with, how people will guide you and the people you meet with will change according to your desires. For example, if I express my desire to be childless to everyone, mothers and father will likely hate me or just not be interested in me, and they will stop inviting me to their children’s parties, and they will stay away from me completely, choosing instead to be around those who share their views. If I express my feeling about parties, people will stop inviting me to them, and party animals will think I am boring and will stop associating themselves with me. Over time, I start to becoming surrounded by people I am interested in and I am drawn to events that I find interesting, and this leads to greater happiness in the future. This is why it is important to send out signals and vibes to the world that is consistent with your feelings and desires. If you do not, you will find you go along with other people’s values and desires and you will be miserable. This is a lesson I learned the hard way during my beta male years, and I am desperate to fix this problem.

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